you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
