Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
