Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
