upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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