Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
