I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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