I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
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Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
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I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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