She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Who died my cat blue again?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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