That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
