I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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