Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
