I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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