I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
