she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night