I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
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I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
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I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.