I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
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What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
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No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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