And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.