Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
