Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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