he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
