Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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