I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
