If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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