Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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