so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
