god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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