ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
i've created a new STD.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
