I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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