you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
