my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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