Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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