Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
