Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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