I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i just sent this text using only my big toe
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
