please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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