I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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