My Higher Power is John Stamos
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
