I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
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