did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
