he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
