So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
