I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
