I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
