I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
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we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
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Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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