Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
