ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
