She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
