Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
