it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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