OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
