I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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