I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
