It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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