Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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