Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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