She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
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Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
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I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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