Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
