yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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