96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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