Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
