i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
