dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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