Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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